I am not a fan of grocery shopping.
You see I worked at Safeway for over 13 years and spent many a precious hour of my life in a check stand, dealing with the general public.
Trying to explain to some angry customer that "yes, five for a dollar IS 20 cents apiece."
Or one of my personal favorites while working the Express Line, "No sir, forty bags of dripping, slimy chickens do not equal ONE item."
His response, "But it's all chicken."
Sigh...
But back in my day we did supply the grocery bags.
Now today you can get a grocery bag in the store but you must pay for it.
Or you can bring your own.
I always bring my own....and then forget them.
This is despite the parking lot billboard signs every 6 feet proclaiming,
"DO NOT FORGET YOUR REUSABLE BAGS!"
"Don't tell me what to do, Vons!"
This habit of sleep walking through the parking lot has made me the proud owner of approximately a bajillion multi-use bags.
These are so thick and substantial that you would feel guilty ever using them and then throwing them away.
I don't care how badly you needed an emergency puppy poop sack.
One of the Target bags now residing in my laundry room boldly proclaims, "This Everlasting Bag is designed for at least 125 uses!"
So apparently "Everlasting" means one hundred and twenty five.
Who knew?
Kind of throws a monkey wrench into that "forever" concept.
The trunk of my car is festooned with a plethora of bags which rarely make it into the store.
The impressive foil lined ones for transporting cottage cheese and milk through the Sahara, or the one mile to my house.
The tiny mesh numbers that condense down to the size of a pocket watch and hold approximately one apricot.
All of them fantastic perpetual residents of my trunk.
Don't judge.
One day while strolling through Sprouts with my sister and deciding on my fruit selection of the week, a brilliant insight popped into my brain.
While peering at a variety of melons and other assorted cantalopey things, it occurred to me,
"You could carry these home in a BRA!"
No need for the "Everlasting Bag" or the boring brown bag with the handles that always come unglued!
A massive triple D underwire from Victoria's Secret would be just the ticket!
I mean, it comes with two handles for pity sakes!
AND as a bonus perk, you could wear them into the store.
On the outside of your shirt!
And people would avoid you, never ask you questions, and they would open a special check
stand to get you out of the store faster!
Double bonus!
Imagine putting on a couple of those babies and then peeling them off at the check
stand to hand to the young college student packing up your veggies.
"Here darlin', just plonk those mini watermelons in here."
I immediately shared this insight with my sister and we began to howl like hyenas, braying and hooting at the sky.
While we were paying for our groceries we, of course, could not stop giggling as they rolled our mini melons across the scale.
This resulting in me spewing out my incredible idea for the now famous "Boob Melon Carrier" to the amused checker and horrified young man bagging our groceries.
He skittered off as fast as humanly possible, muttering under his breath about crazy old ladies and how he shouldn't have dropped out of med school.
So the next time you are at the grocery store and have forgotten your bags to purchase the two extra large onions for your special spaghetti sauce, just remember....
"No, I don't want to buy a bag,"
"Can you just turn around for one second while I yank off my shirt?"
.....I'm just sayin'
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