One of my Daddy’s favorite expressions was, “I can sure pick ‘em.”
He was known to throw this out this little ditty quite frequently because he usually could.
As in pick ‘em.
He seemed to him that he always got the inept waiter, the check-out line at the grocery store where the lady had the last can of whatever and they had to dial up India for the price check, or the particularly disgruntled DMV employee on his last day before retirement.
Once he was sent to Jack in The Box to get hamburgers when they were like 5 for $1.00. (Hey, this was a while ago!)
Anyway, he bought a ton of them, hurried home and was shuffling them around to all of us hungry birdies at the table like cards on poker night.
Everybody sat down to eat and when he finally was able to sit down and opened up his burger it was empty!
Blank.
Nada.
Just bun, no meat, no nothin'.
Not even a hint of ketchup.
We all sat there not knowing whether to laugh or cry or what our proper reaction should be to this missing meat malady.
He looked up from his naked bun and declared, "Deal 'em again, cuz Daddy got the joker."
Well said, Pop.
As I said, he always did say that he could should sure pick 'em.
Once he was sent to Jack in The Box to get hamburgers when they were like 5 for $1.00. (Hey, this was a while ago!)
Anyway, he bought a ton of them, hurried home and was shuffling them around to all of us hungry birdies at the table like cards on poker night.
Everybody sat down to eat and when he finally was able to sit down and opened up his burger it was empty!
Blank.
Nada.
Just bun, no meat, no nothin'.
Not even a hint of ketchup.
We all sat there not knowing whether to laugh or cry or what our proper reaction should be to this missing meat malady.
He looked up from his naked bun and declared, "Deal 'em again, cuz Daddy got the joker."
Well said, Pop.
As I said, he always did say that he could should sure pick 'em.
So his favorite saying popped into my head the other day as I stood behind a guy in the ATM line.
Now if you Google ATM machines, you will discover that they have been around for a few years.
In other words, they didn’t just sprout up on every corner last weekend.
So anyone over the age of four should be acquainted with this amazing invention by now.
At least you would think so.
But here I was, in a hurry of course, standing behind the Fred Flintstone of finance who couldn’t seem to figure out the whys and wherefores of this electronic banking marvel.
Please insert card into the automatic card sucker. ( how this can be intimidating?!!)
There is a little picture that gives a kindergarten-like slide show of a person performing this procedure you moron!
There is a little picture that gives a kindergarten-like slide show of a person performing this procedure you moron!
Please choose which language you prefer. (now we are doomed because there is no choice for “I speak stupid”)
Enter your PIN. (I swear I would not have been shocked if he had whipped out a Bic Clic and tried to jam it into the audio input hole)
Fumbling and mumbling now ensued with him slapping randomly at the keyboard with his sausage fingers trying to extract his dough.
Which apparently there wasn't any because the machine refused to cough up the cash.
At this point in time he turns to me and exclaims, "Its broken, it's not working!"
Now listen to me carefully, Forrest.
If there is no money IN your account you cannot take any money OUT of your account. Capeesh?
And you can't withdraw change in five cent increments....
He now begins to shake his fist at the heavens proclaiming the injustice of these "new fangled machines" and their stupidity.
Say, what??
He again turns to me and shrieks, "I say it's broken!!"
Thanks for the heads up junior achievement, now go home and try to figure out how to work the toaster.
But first, GET OUT OF MY WAY SO I CAN GET SOME CASH!!
He then steps to the side so I can do my banking business.
Okay, here is the deal.
There is correct ATM etiquette which they should explain to people when they issue them the little plastic cards.
First, you should move away from the machine when you are finished doing your stuff.
Nobody wants to wait while you sift through your Grand Canyon wallet or purse so you can put your card back in its proper home.
We don't care.
Second, do not get too close when forming a line behind the person at the machine.
I don't want you hovering over my shoulder like a Disney undertaker buzzard and if I can smell your brand of Tic Tac, you are way too close.
People get antsy about these things and you are liable to end up with an elbow to the groin.
As for this piece of work, he shuffled his rotund belly slightly to the side so I could reach the machine but was still close enough where I could see his hairy navel through his threadbare off-white t-shirt.
Not far enough for comfort but hey, I have pepper spray on my keychain.
I put in my card and miracle of miracles, it gives me cash!!!
Shocking....
See sir, this is not a magic money tree. It will only give you money if you have money in your account!
As my twenty dollar bill slides into view he now proceeds to bellow, "What???" "That is not possible!" "It's broken!"
No my portly pal, it is not broken, you just don't have any money.
Hence you can't get any money....
And while we are on the subject, I would seriously hate to be behind this guy at the check-out line at Target or CVS or any other retail spot.
Since when did checking out with a debit card become the final round of Jeopardy?
Can you be asked any more questions during this process?
What form of payment are you using?
Please slide your card.
Please enter your pin.
Please wait for cashier.
Is this amount correct?
Do you want any cash back?
Do you want it all on this card?
Do you want to contribute to the latest charity organization?
Do you want to lose 20 pounds in two weeks? (just kidding)
YES, YES, YES....for pity sakes,YES!
I'M JUST TRYING TO PAY FOR MY TOILET PAPER AND GUM!
I DIDN'T KNOW THIS WAS THE LSAT'S FOR MEDICAL SCHOOL!
And heaven forbid if during this procedure the little pin pad "yes" button would actually work and not be completely trashed from people jabbing their fingers onto it a thousand times a day!
There you are viciously pounding your digit into the tiny rectangle and eventually the weary check-out clerk mumbles, "Please use the fake pencil hanging from the little plastic string."
"And Ma'am, don't break our machine."
TOO LATE!
IT'S WAAAY PAST BROKEN!
IT WAS BROKEN TWO YEARS AGO!
NOW IT'S JUST A SHADOW OF ITS FORMER SELF!
"Do you want paper or plastic?"
"And lady, did you bring your own bag with you or are you a frivilous earth hating non-recycler who wants plastic?"
"Of course I brought my bag with me, but it's in the trunk of my car where I always forget it when I come into the store!"
"Which is why I have enough empty plastic bags at home to fashion a personal hot air balloon!"
"Awww, just hand me my gum and put a sticky carrying handle on my toilet paper so the whole world knows what kind of wiper I am!"
"I'm just trying to go home!"
"Well I would, but your card was just declined."
"Apparently you have no money in your account."
"Say, what???"
..............I'm just sayin'
Fumbling and mumbling now ensued with him slapping randomly at the keyboard with his sausage fingers trying to extract his dough.
Which apparently there wasn't any because the machine refused to cough up the cash.
At this point in time he turns to me and exclaims, "Its broken, it's not working!"
Now listen to me carefully, Forrest.
If there is no money IN your account you cannot take any money OUT of your account. Capeesh?
And you can't withdraw change in five cent increments....
He now begins to shake his fist at the heavens proclaiming the injustice of these "new fangled machines" and their stupidity.
Say, what??
He again turns to me and shrieks, "I say it's broken!!"
Thanks for the heads up junior achievement, now go home and try to figure out how to work the toaster.
But first, GET OUT OF MY WAY SO I CAN GET SOME CASH!!
He then steps to the side so I can do my banking business.
Okay, here is the deal.
There is correct ATM etiquette which they should explain to people when they issue them the little plastic cards.
First, you should move away from the machine when you are finished doing your stuff.
Nobody wants to wait while you sift through your Grand Canyon wallet or purse so you can put your card back in its proper home.
We don't care.
Second, do not get too close when forming a line behind the person at the machine.
I don't want you hovering over my shoulder like a Disney undertaker buzzard and if I can smell your brand of Tic Tac, you are way too close.
People get antsy about these things and you are liable to end up with an elbow to the groin.
As for this piece of work, he shuffled his rotund belly slightly to the side so I could reach the machine but was still close enough where I could see his hairy navel through his threadbare off-white t-shirt.
Not far enough for comfort but hey, I have pepper spray on my keychain.
I put in my card and miracle of miracles, it gives me cash!!!
Shocking....
See sir, this is not a magic money tree. It will only give you money if you have money in your account!
As my twenty dollar bill slides into view he now proceeds to bellow, "What???" "That is not possible!" "It's broken!"
No my portly pal, it is not broken, you just don't have any money.
Hence you can't get any money....
And while we are on the subject, I would seriously hate to be behind this guy at the check-out line at Target or CVS or any other retail spot.
Since when did checking out with a debit card become the final round of Jeopardy?
Can you be asked any more questions during this process?
What form of payment are you using?
Please slide your card.
Please enter your pin.
Please wait for cashier.
Is this amount correct?
Do you want any cash back?
Do you want it all on this card?
Do you want to contribute to the latest charity organization?
Do you want to lose 20 pounds in two weeks? (just kidding)
YES, YES, YES....for pity sakes,YES!
I'M JUST TRYING TO PAY FOR MY TOILET PAPER AND GUM!
I DIDN'T KNOW THIS WAS THE LSAT'S FOR MEDICAL SCHOOL!
And heaven forbid if during this procedure the little pin pad "yes" button would actually work and not be completely trashed from people jabbing their fingers onto it a thousand times a day!
There you are viciously pounding your digit into the tiny rectangle and eventually the weary check-out clerk mumbles, "Please use the fake pencil hanging from the little plastic string."
"And Ma'am, don't break our machine."
TOO LATE!
IT'S WAAAY PAST BROKEN!
IT WAS BROKEN TWO YEARS AGO!
NOW IT'S JUST A SHADOW OF ITS FORMER SELF!
"Do you want paper or plastic?"
"And lady, did you bring your own bag with you or are you a frivilous earth hating non-recycler who wants plastic?"
"Of course I brought my bag with me, but it's in the trunk of my car where I always forget it when I come into the store!"
"Which is why I have enough empty plastic bags at home to fashion a personal hot air balloon!"
"Awww, just hand me my gum and put a sticky carrying handle on my toilet paper so the whole world knows what kind of wiper I am!"
"I'm just trying to go home!"
"Well I would, but your card was just declined."
"Apparently you have no money in your account."
"Say, what???"
..............I'm just sayin'
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