Over by the Crater Couch you can observe the Cable Cannibal in its natural habitat!

I wrote the following blog entry on February 5,2014, the day I turned off my cable.

It is still disconnected.

And aside from the first few days where I sat slack jawed staring at the darkened screen waiting for it to magically 
materialize into life, I have survived.

Unfortunately, I still love Oreos and hot tea.

February 5, 2014

Went into rehab today.

No, not in the traditional Lindsey Lohan type of drug stuff way but I walked away from an equally addictive brain drain. By that I mean, I turned off my cable and returned my DVR boxes.

All I can say about that is,
AAARRRGGGHHHHH!
As I stomped away from the UPS store where I had just mailed back the insidious Pandora boxes of entertainment, I felt a little twinge of what Lots wife must have experienced. 
I knew if I glanced behind me I would have been confronted by the faces of Sherlock Holmes, Leonard Leakey Hofstadter, Tyrion Lannister, and the entire cast of Downton Abbey with their faces smashed against the glass screaming, "NOOOOOO!"
"Traitor!"
"Come back!"
"Don't leave us!"
But alas, it had to be done.
Due in part to their constant, daily, non-stop participation in my life, plus the fact that my diet has consisted mostly of unrefined sugar and Oreos the past year, three critical things have happened.

One: My body has increased its girth in frightening numbers resulting in sweat pants for every occasion and a matching turkey wattle.

Two: I have established a permanent nest in my couch complete with a "butt crater" which is the exact shape of my ever expanding backside. 

And Three: My cholesterol and triglyceride numbers are close to matching those of the national debt.

Thus when I opened my cable bill last month my neighbor called 911 because he assumed I was being attacked by an intruder.
It was $205.
In case you didn't read that properly I will repeat it.
TWO. HUNDRED. AND. FIVE DOLLARS!!
This alone would have caused me to spit my morning Oreos and sweet tea all over the crater couch, 
and my sock monkey slippers,
if I hadn't been standing on my front porch.
When I finally regained consciousness and plucked the geranium leaves off my sweaty cheeks, I rolled over in the dirt that serves as my lawn and cried to the heavens, "how did this happen?!?"
Didn't I just sign up for a special "bundle" price of $79 bucks just a few months ago?


Or was that over a year ago?

Over the last few months they have been insidiously adding fees and charges onto my bill all willy-nilly for every blasted thing under the sun.

“Oh ma’am you changed the channel over 10 times a day. That’s a $10 fee.”

“And you watched over 4 hours of educational television. That’s a $20 fee because you were trying to expand your intelligence.”

“That is just not allowed!”

“We will kindly credit you with $5 because you glanced at Jerry Springer for three seconds to see if that man actually HAD two heads and was marrying his own Buick!”

“Now that is what network is all about, missy!”

When I called them to complain about the bill, they explained to me that the “Special Bundle Offers” which I see advertised for $29.99 a month are not meant for me, the long time subscriber, but for all of those poor new suckers they are trying to grasp with their evil cable tendrils.

Never mind, it doesn't matter.  

What does matter is that I am now expected to fork over the amount of money that I used to pay every month for the mortgage on my first house for the privilege of the ability to watch Honey Boo Boo. 

(BTW, I’ve never watched this mess they refer to as a TV series. The commercials were bad enough)

Or a simulated fish aquarium.
IF I so desire.

So I drug out my mental treasure chest and began to rummage through the riffraff.

When?

When did this madness begin?

When did I decide that it was okay to waste countless, precious hours and minutes dragging my mind through this swamp of mediocrity?

Please do not get me wrong, there are many fantastic, clever, innovative, well-written shows on television.

There are also programs which inform and educate us on important world issues as well as those that teach us how to remodel our horrid bathrooms.

But we really must admit.

So much of it is just plain bad theater.

For me it became a placebo during some rough patches in my life.

A glass teat of comfort.

A mind-numbing band aid to sooth the weary soul.

But a new dawn has emerged.

I have taken a stand.

No more.

I have drawn the hard line in the media sand and subscribed to the order of: 
NO MORE CABLE!

At least for now.

It is time to rejuvenate the brain and the pocket book.

Time to get off of the couch and get rid of some of this heart-choking lard.

Time to start creating something that can make me laugh out loud at my keyboard or bring a souls heart to its knees.

As Sarah Bareilles says, “You can be amazing, you can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug.”

Before now I have been hesitant to admit to others, or even to myself, that I am a writer!

Some of you may laugh at that statement, but that’s okay.

Even the saints had their critics.

So ready or not, I am going to write!

To weave stories which are my own instead of gleaning moments of joy from the work of others!

Therefore I decree until July of this year I am on a strict diet of DVD’s and an occasional peek at my daughters IPad when she is in town and the media monkey just won’t climb off of my back.

After that I will re-assess the situation.

Because football season starts in the Fall.

And I do so love my Chargers.

And the magnificent Game of Thrones will be starting soon.

And the new season of Sherlock Holmes with the clever
 Mr. Cumberbatch.

And the True Detectives.

And who knows what that minx Honey Boo Boo will be up to in the future.

Not to mention those fuzzy Duck Dynasty boys!

Now where is that brochure they mailed me about the special price on a cable bundle?

AAARRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!

I’m just sayin’.......