Good luck in prison, Geoffrey

I was wandering aimlessly through the store the other day picking up a few goodies and was shocked into consciousness by a blood curdling scream behind me.

I turned around just in time to see a scruffy little boy who looked to be about 3 or 4, begin to howl like a Rhesus monkey, hurl his scrawny Spongebob clad carcass in front of the squeaky rubber wheels of his mother’s  shopping cart and screech , 

“I WANT A TOY!!!!!!”

Now considering Mama has lived at least 3 years with this little dictator, as far as I am concerned she gets kudos for not running him over.

And then putting it into reverse for good measure.

“I WANT A TOY!!!”  (This time stomping his grubby Toy Story sneakers for emphasis)

To which Mama wearily replied, “No, you can’t have a toy.”

This response was answered by Beelzebub flinging himself skyward and bolting like a deer toward the housewares section.

Bear in mind that by this time, people were parting the aisles like Moses with the Red Sea to avoid this toddler train wreck.

Senior citizens abandoned their carts and headed for the exits simply because they had mistaken his primeval howling for a fire alarm.

Customer service reps walkie talkied into action and ran to see if they should step in and take charge.

“Check the manual Harold, can we ask her to leave just cuz we hate her kid?”

“Is there a section titled, exorcising demons from the dinnerware?”

“Can we legally taser someone under the age of 5?”

Meanwhile, Mama was chasing beastie boy hither and thither repeating in a sing song monotone, “Please come back, please come back, please come back.”

Like anyone would kidnap this kid.

Now let me just say as a mother of three, I’ve had my share of “pitching a fit” incidents in my time including an unfortunate Del Mar fair jumpy ball ride encounter with my 2 year old daughter.

This resulted in me strapping her down like a hog in her stroller while she bayed at the sky like a coyote.

This was so absurd and embarrassing that my 68 year old mother proceeded to pull down the stroller bonnet and mutter under her breath, “Just don’t look at her!”  “Don’t act like we know her!”

“Excellent idea , Mom but it’s obvious we are pushing the stroller.”

“I SAID, JUST DON’T LOOK AT HER!!”

Best kid fit story ever was told by my older sister whose 3 year old grandson took a shine to a cowboy holster set in Toys R Us one day.  He decided he wanted to be a cowboy and demanded a glittery pricey model which she told him she couldn’t afford and so therefore he could not have. He then proceeded into full brat mode and began to holler and stomp his feet in order to hopefully “blubber blackmail” her into holster acquisition.

When this plan failed and he refused to budge from the spot, she reached down and hoisted him up on her hip to hustle him to the car.

Immediately he began to bellow , “OUCH,YOU’RE HURTING ME!!” “YOU’RE BREAKING MY BONES!!”

“THIS IS NOT MY MOTHER, THIS IS NOT MY MOTHER!!”

“SOMEBODY HELP ME PLEASE!!”

“YOU’RE HURTING ME.” “YOU’RE BREAKING MY BONES!!”

By the way, when she originally told me this story I laughed so hard I wet my pants a little.

She said that she didn’t know what was worse.  How embarrassed she was about his behavior or the fact that nobody came over and checked to see if he truly belonged to her.

I told her, “NOBODY wanted to go there!”  “That would mean THEY would be in charge of him until the authorities arrived and they didn’t wanna apply for THAT job!”

True Dat….

So meanwhile in the store, the Target Mom went into chase gear and swerved through the store trying to coerce “Son of Satan” back into the shopping cart.  After snagging his spindly rear near the greeting cards she went down on one knee and did the thing that all parents do when others are watching.

She started to reason with him.

This is impossible.

We have all tried it and it always fails.

First of all, little kids have the attention span of a gnat.

Second of all, they only respond to two things.

Brute force and bribery.

Now when I talk about brute force I don’t mean beating little Johnny like a kettle drum.  I mean you letting him know that you are bigger than him and therefore can dictate what he gets to do and where he gets to go.

As far as bribery is concerned that is self-explanatory.

Usually candy or a toy is the norm.

Or shares of stock in Apple Corporation.

But you usually save that for good behavior.

Rewarding this kid for acting like a walking turd is just not a good idea.

Unless when he is 16 you want him leading you around by your hair with a homemade shiv to your throat muttering, “I said make me a Pop Tart pronto, wench!”

Not a Hallmark moment.

So the moment she begins her, “now be a good boy” speech, he hauls off and kicks her in the shin.

I audibly gasped and thought to myself, “You better be happy you didn’t do that to me, or I would be seeing how far I could drop kick your skinny butt down aisle three.”

So of course her response was, “now that wasn’t nice.”

And his answer was a kick to the other shin.

Right about this time, Grandma wheeled around the corner and said, “See what you’ve done Geoffrey, now we all have to go home!”

Seriously Granny?

You are going to park your cart full of things you have painstakingly picked out and leave this store cuz “Mister Triple Six” is acting like a fool???

If you let that happen you deserve to go home without your two pound bag of Reeses Peanut Butter cups.

And your three dollar bottle of wine.

The last I saw of the motley crew they were dragging Geoffrey toward the exit by his skinny arm and the final words I heard him scream from beneath the armpit of his battle worn Mama as they wrestled him toward the parking lot were,

“So, does this mean I’m not getting a toy?”

………I’m just sayin’