DYHAM ALERT!!

Fourth of July today and basically it’s just an excuse for most people to BBQ some weenies and drink a lot of mind-numbing beverages.

Planning on going out to Ocean Beach, catching a few rays, watching a lot of butt cracks, and oohing and aahing  at the fireworks.

Of course this plan of attack involves revealing my winterized gams, and as mentioned in previous posts that means unwrapping months of hair carpet from around my ankles and knees.

Next step would be pulling out the boom chucker weedwacker of my brother-in-laws to finish up the final deforestation process….(hope he brought me enough heavy duty twine for the job)

THEN and ONLY then, will I allow my legs to see the light of day.

There are certain things that are inevitable with this type of beach outing.

One of these inevitable situations will be that I will be gazing upon many human body parts that should not be made visible to the human eye.

EVER……

Whenever I go out “amongst ‘em” as my Dad used to say, I am always puzzled by the fact that most people apparently do not own a mirror.

We call them “DYHAM” encounters.

As in “DO YOU HAVE A MIRROR???”

We use this term to alert each other to anything that may disturb our psyche or wake us up later in a cold sweat.

Among the worst offenders are butt cracks, bras that are four sizes too small and tragic muffin tops.

Not to mention the 20 year old cut-off jeans that “still fit me” after all these years.

Here’s a clue toots! 

If your body resembles a Farmer John sausage casing,

THEY DON’T FIT YOU ANY MORE!

Do the world a favor and DONATE THEM TO THE GOODWILL!

Or better yet, pitch them into a bonfire…..

Or fashion them into a clever handbag….

Just DO NOT hoist them over your gelatinous thighs and prance around in front of everyone like a Beyonce’ video.

It’s just not pretty.

Hey, I’m not judgin’.

I am no small fry myself.

But I would never DREAM of sporting some of these get-ups out in public.

My puppies would be giving me a mighty thumbs down before I even got out of the door….

As Kevin Meaney used to say, “We’re not small pants people!”

We believe in the Muu-Muu and body acreage concealment.

It’s just healthier for everyone involved.

Plus you can smuggle more snacks into places without someone knowing you have a private stash of Snicker bars under your flowing frock.

And you won’t be the humiliated victim of someone walking behind you screaming,

“WATCH OUT PEOPLE, WE HAVE ANOTHER “DYHAM” HERE!” 

“CLEAR THE SIDEWALK!!”

“HIDE YOUR POTATO CHIPS!”

So have a lovely Fourth of July everyone!

Enjoy the day.

Don’t drink and drive.

And for the love of everything that’s holy,

Check the derriere rear view before stepping out the door……

…….I’m just sayin’