The Gopher Hunter

As any of you who have been following my blog know, I have had many meaningful, yet bizarre relationships with various forms of wildlife.

I have a resident possum in my garage, I have applied the principle of the Samurai to a snake in my basement and I raised an iguana to a gargantuan length so he could thwack obnoxious visitors.

And I found three little mice in my pool skimmer the other day.

Waaait for it.......

They must have been blind.

So I can totally relate and empathize with my friend who has been in a month long battle with a particularly wily gopher who is eating his yard literally out from under his feet.

His yard looks like a Miracle Grow version of a landmine field in Iraq.

This vegetarian vermin thinks of my friends’ luscious lawn as his own personal Hometown Buffet, and delights in tunneling his way to obesity right under his nose, as well as the nose of his trusty dog Dallas.

Dallas spends much of his time in a stone still stance staring for the slightest movement of a blade of grass to signal the spot he should dig furiously to unearth this unwelcome visitor.

His initial idea was to poke a garden hose down one of the holes and turn the water on full blast to drown him out.

After running the water for over 2 hours, the only thing that happened was that his neighbors yard was completely flooded.

Plan A…failed.

He “Googled” the gopher dilemma and the results were wide and varied. These included diagrams on the master plans of gopher tunnel construction. (these guys designed Hogwarts Castle), as well as the fact that windmills constructed of Clorox bottles drive them crazy and cause them to pack up and leave.

Now my friend has become a regular in Home Depot, picking the brains of the insecticide experts to choose the product that will hopefully exterminate this pesky fellow.

His wife suggested he throw moth balls down the holes.

He found them neatly placed on the top of the lawn the next day like tiny round white Easter eggs.

I can just picture this gopher methodically plopping them out of his den one by one.

‘Whew, these babies gotta go!  They flat out stink!” “What do humans use these for?”

He tried miniature gopher gas tubes which he inserted into the tunnels to “nerve gas” the sucker.

I guess the gopher had access to Hazmat masks.

He bought metal traps which he placed in the ground with supposedly inescapable trap doors.

The next day when he hauled them to the surface like a scene from “The Deadliest Catch” he was rewarded with nothing more than a cupful of dirt and a tiny note that said, “Nice try Tarzan!” (not really, I made that part up)

So yesterday when I asked him about his lastest gopher extermination technique, he said he went to Walmart and bought a pellet gun.

“Oh, really?” I said.

“Are you a good shot?”

“Not really,” He said.

“But I have been practicing.”

“Although yesterday I went out in my backyard and was having target practice with an old tennis shoe.”

“And when I shot the gun the pellet hit the rubber insole and it flew back at me and whizzed by my ear!”

“Oh, that’s excellent news!” I said

“You can probably see fine with just one eye.” 
“I mean after all, you have two of them.”

Now he says the gopher has grown so bold he now will climb from his hole and sit on the lawn to taunt Dallas the dog.  

Shades of Caddyshack and Bill Murray.

This includes making the universal antlers sign with thumbs stuck in his ears sing songing, “Naana, nana, nana, you caaan’t catch me!”

Or shaking his furry fanny in his face singing, “You can’t touch this!”

My friend then tells me that his wife has now forbidden him to have the dog outside when he is shooting at the gopher. (She probably was a witness to the unfortunate insole incident)

But he said that the only time the gopher will come all the way out of the ground is when Dallas is sitting on the lawn looking at him. (canine gopher bait)

So he plans on using his trusty dog Dallas to lure the creature from his den so he can pop him with his pellet gun.

It all sounds good on paper.

Let’s hope it doesn’t turn out like Plan A.

Cuz you know if something goes wrong and Dallas ends up with a hiney full of pellets, that his life is basically over.

He would never hear the end of it.

And his wife would take his gun away.

And then she would be angry, armed and dangerous.

I can just imagine that phone call.

“Hi honey I have good news and bad news.  First of all the gopher is gone.  Second of all, unfortunately, the dog is at the Vet hospital.”

As any husband in his right mind will tell you,  right about then he better hope he has a gopher tunnel big enough for him to hide in.

………I’m just sayin’