"Hey Mom, Do we have a gourd?"

Easing back into the blog routine after a crazy month of chaos.

Had to work a little in the yard this weekend after the police knocked on my door and said the neighbors had called in an anonymous Sasquatch sighting. 

They swore that a whole tribe of the hairy buggers were living in my hedge.

Calm down, busy bodies….maybe one or two but not a whole tribe!

Was thinking as I hacked my way through the underbrush that when my children were little this was the time of year you were apt to hear those three little words that strike fear into the heart of every parent.

Science Fair Project.

Nothing quite like that feeling of dread when the little tikes hand you the paper with the outline of the project and when it is due.

If it was my son it was always the next day.

And the paper was crumpled up into a ball the size of a nickel.

And it had been in his pocket for three months .

One time he called me at work on a Sunday night about 9:30 p.m. and told me that he needed a gourd.

“Do we have a gourd, Mom?”

“Cuz I need one tomorrow for school.”

Me:  “A GOURD???”  “Oh sure!’  “I have a ton of those lying around the house because I am an Amish Voodoo queen.”  "

I grow them in the yard for moments just like this!”

“And when you don’t need one for school, I make little rustic bird houses from them.”

My son: “Are you making that up?”

Me:  “If you know what’s good for you, you will just hang up the phone and go to bed.”

My son: “Are you going to stop at the store and buy me one?”

Me: “What do you think?”

My son: “I’m going to bed now.”

Me: “Smart move.”

The best thing about the science fair phenomenon is the parents who are the over achievers and make the entire project for their kid.

When my daughter was in 4^th grade, she went to a Montessori school and they had a science fair night for all the kids in her class.  The theme of the fair was the Earth and the Solar System and you were supposed to build a project that depicted some sort of natural Earth or heavenly occurrence.  The room was full of baking soda paper mache volcanos complete with bubbly lava. There were also a ton of shoe box solar systems with string suspended planets bouncing in the air. 

But the wildest project of all was a table that was supposed to simulate an earthquake in action.  This creation was approximately the size of a ping pong table and had a series of levers and chutes that when activated released a bajillion ping pong balls to replicate seismic activity.  It was HUGE and very impressive, and as the teacher reached the display she said, “This is quite amazing Mr. Smith, but are you sure Henry did this himself?” At that moment we all turned to look at 8 year old Henry who was sitting in the corner staring at his Velcro shoe closure like it was a Rubik’s cube and eating a handful of boogers that he had been saving in his pocket for later.  “Oh, absolutely Miss Johnson!”  I may have helped him with a few things, but he did most of it himself!”

“Oh, REALLY?” “Methinks you are a liar!”, “Mr. Pinocchio.”

(she didn’t say that, but I wanted to)

So through the years and over the course of producing three kidlets we have had our share of interesting science fair themes.

We did one with my daughter that required us family guinea pigs to take our blood sugar measurement in the morning after eating certain breakfast foods.

Take my word for it, don’t eat Captain Crunch before they do your glucose blood test.

No wonder that guy always yells and wears his hat sideways!

But by far the freakiest one my kids ever did was when my son decided him and his friend would compare groups of mice and their behavior when they were given different foods.

They bought two cages and into each one put the same amount of mice and gave each group a different diet.

One cage was given strictly mice food and water and the other cage was fed meat and cheese and other people type stuff.

They kept track of their behavior (like aggression and wheel running and such) and after two weeks switched the food for each cage. (this was not exactly ground breaking research)

Now it just so happened that when they made the switch the mice had been brought to our house to stay because my son and his friend were going on a school field trip which was going to last a couple of days and nights.

They put the cages in our basement and told me there was nothing I needed to do except “take good care of them” and then promptly left for their trip.

That night I was rudely awakened by a great deal of noise and thumping about downstairs which sounded like a mice party was in full swing.  As it was the middle of the night and I knew the mice could not escape, I decided I would just check on them in the morning.

What I found in those cages the next morning was unbelievable…….

Reader discretion from this point forward is advised…….

The mice who had previously been fed the grain were perfectly fine.

They now had meat and cheese and were happy little campers.

But the mice who had been eating meat and cheese for two weeks and now just had mice food had staged a vermin version of “The Donner Party.”  Apparently they had gotten into a mini mice tussle and someone had obviously drawn first blood.  Then the King Kong sized mouse decided he missed the taste of ribeye and felt that any “mouse in the storm” would do, and opened up the “all you can eat line” in the mousie café.   So out of four mice there were now only two men standing.  One terrified mouse was hiding under the straw in the corner.  One mouse was lying there in the carnage with his face half gone.   One mouse was COMPLETELY missing. (I hope he made it out alive) And all that was left was one big giant fat mouse lying on his back, picking his teeth with a tiny toothpick and rubbing his belly like Henry the Eighth.

All in all it was just not pretty….

The text to my son went something like this.

I have some bad news. Stop 

The meat eaters staged a coup and ate the grain eaters. Stop

It’s like a scene from the Godfather. Stop 

Without the horse head.

Science fair project….fail

He was obviously upset and said that now they couldn’t report their findings because they had signed a waiver that said the mice would not be hurt in the experiment.

I said, “Hey, we didn’t eat them!”  “We can’t help it that “Fat Boy Mouse Eater” never signed the contract!”

“Plus I think it is a great case study.  Explains a lot of behaviors witnessed in the salad bar line at The Hometown Buffet.” (see previous blog post)

Bottom line was they had to doctor their paperwork and didn’t take the mice in to be observed by their teacher. (That would have involved screaming and chastisements all around)

So lets just say that for me, I do not miss the "Science Fair Crisis Center" in the Spring.

I am completely content to continue my quest in the Springtime sunshine for the Sasquatch family of four.

Hey, you never know. 

While I’m working I may come across that one lucky mouse escapee, counting his blessings and swearing he will never eat another Big Mac as long as he lives!

……I’m just sayin’