Q-tip Desperado

Strolling through “Tarjay” the other day, selected some “cotton swabs” and happened to turn over the package.

It read: WARNING!!!!  

Do not insert into ear canal!  Entering the ear canal could cause injury.  If used to clean ears, stroke swab gently around the outer surface of the ear only.  Keep out of reach of children.

Now I don’t know about you but the main use of Q-tips in my house is to dig out the wax gunk INSIDE your ears.

I’m pretty safe in assuming that 99.9 % of the population use them for the same thing.

The outer surface of my ear is usually good to go unless I happen to have had an unfortunate spaghetti sauce incident.

I’m sure the reason they had to put that on their package was that a long, long time ago, some dumb bunny with no inner ear depth perception, bought himself a box of Q-tips and proceeded to Roto-Rooter out his ears all willy-nilly and punched through to his minuscule brain pan.If you had shined a flashlight in there you could have probably seen clear through to the other side.

His long-suffering wife eventually got tired of hitting him with a pan to get his attention and screamed, “YOU BIG EEDIOT, YOU SHOULD SUE SOMEBODY CUZ YOU MADE YOURSELF DEEF WITH THEM THERE EAR STICKS!”

So some high priced lawyer was put in touch with this Ya-hoo and said, “Hey, let’s sue the Q-tip folks and we’ll get a ton of dough.”

“I will buy a house in the Bahamas and you will buy a clue as to any type of common sense.”

“Excellent  idea!” said the dumb bunny or just grunted some type of affirmation or scratched his scaly scalp.

Hence the Q-tip folks had to put a disclaimer on their packaging.

Because I am a curious soul, I picked up the Target Brand of “cotton swabs” and checked out their warning.

It read:  “Caution:  Do not enter ear canal. Use only as directed. Entering the ear canal could cause injury.

Keep out of reach of children.

Apparently swabs are dangerous weapons to kids as we aren’t even supposed to leave them within their reach!

Not unlike running with scissors.

My favorite part of the Target box is the informative illustrations of swab use.

There is someone cleaning a spigot in what looks like a bathroom. 

Now I don’t know about you, but if you are bringing tools to clean my bathroom, I would suggest starting with a jackhammer for my soap scum. 

A cotton swab would just not cut it.

Then there is the ever popular keyboard cleaning. 

Again, my keyboard is way beyond cotton swab dirty.

Try a chisel.

But my favorite picture is the one with the swab gently wiping a babies tiny brow.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not a Disney illustrator or anything but does anybody else but me notice that the tip of that swab is bigger than the kids whole ear!

That thing is huge!

It looks like the size of a hairbrush! 

No wonder they don’t want us jammin' them into our ear canals!

It would be like using a broomstick with a roll of toilet paper on the end of it!

So the moral of the story is this.

Don’t clean your ear canals with cotton swabs.  Use a toothpick or match stick instead.

Or a dinner fork with a napkin wrapped around it....

MUCH less pointy and dangerous than a Q-tip!  (Wink…Wink)

AND don’t let the “associates” at Target catch you taking pictures of stuff in the sundries aisle.

It makes them nervous and they send security to tail you through the store for the rest of your shopping trip.

I can imagine the call they placed when they spied me snapping off pictures.

“Lady in aisle three taking pictures of a box of Q-tips.” 

"Should we call Code Cotton Swab?" 

“She looks dangerous and the outside of her ear looks dirty!”

“We need to take all necessary precautions!”

“She even looks desperate enough to use one INSIDE HER EAR!”

"And you know how crazy that would be!"

…….I’m just sayin’