Carnivore Carpool

Yesterday we were exploring the wonders of freaky stuff you can find in peoples cars, and in doing so it brought to mind a story about my nephew and a snake.

My nephew had a girlfriend who was unusual.

I mean people call me wacky all the time, but if you looked up peculiar in the dictionary her picture would be there.

Right next to Paris Hilton.

For the sake of anonymity and because of her affinity with capes we will refer to her as Hermoine.

One day Hermoine asked him if he could please babysit her reticulated python while she went away on a short vacay and of course he said yes.

Your eyes did not deceive you , I said a reticulated python.

You know, the ones that can squeeze boars and small children to death and then swallow them whole?

Considering he’s a boy and as such possesses no sense of impending doom, of course he said yes!

Now as any Tom, Dick or Mowgli can tell you, this creature is not your friend.

He must have really liked her wackiness…..

So he lugs Voldemorts' sidekick to my sister’s house and locks him in his room, in his cage.

And immediately he escaped.

Not good.

Naturally my sister was completely freaked out and secured all the doors in the house, especially her bedroom.

She figured this would prevent a  pesky late night swallowfest from "El Serpiente".

They scoured the house for days, all the while taking great

care when entering a room to make sure they didn’t behave

like brunch.

This entailed banging on a pot, jumping up and down and

screaming, “Mr. Snake, I’m coming in.  Please don’t eat me!” 

Eventually he was discovered hanging out in someones’

underwear drawer.

This gave whole new meaning to the term,

“Victoria’s Secret.”

After he was extricated from the boxers and briefs, I imagine

my sister standing vigilant in the doorway, pitchfork in hand

until she saw him safely loaded into my nephews’ car.

He had definitely worn out his welcome.

At this point in time he placed “Kaas” cage in the back seat

and prepared to make the jaunt to Hermoines’ house in

order to deliver the silly serpent.

Immediately he escaped…..

Mr. Houdini promptly slithered from his wire prison and

firmly wedged himself underneath one of the bucket seats.

This was a problem.

You can’t even Google a home remedy for this situation.

He figured he might as well keep driving and made the trip

to Hermoines’ pad in record time. (making sure to hold his

legs skyward at every red light)

I don’t know how they managed to eventually drag his coiled

carcass out of the car, but the best part of the story is this.

In his short stay at the “Bucket Seat Inn”, he had strategically

deposited a massive hunk of “snakey poo” in his reptilian

hideout.

According to my sister, this was a smell that is literally

indescribable.

Considering they retain whatever they have eaten in their

digestive tract FOREVER, it could have been something he

munched for lunch back in the Summer of ’05.

And apparently it smelled like it……

After depositing the wily fellow at his humble abode, my

nephew proceeded to drive home in full gag mode and

proceed to dismantle the interior of the car in search of the

putrid python present.

I understand that despite all their best efforts and plethora

of perfume, the unforgettable “Scent of the Serpent” never

dissipated.

So the moral of the story is this.

Never carpool with a carnivore.

Especially the cold-blooded ones who haven’t been

housebroken yet.

Or enjoy watching Harry Potter movies.

……I’m just sayin'