And I thought Howard Hughes was dead....

I was having a conversation recently with a friend of my daughters who works as a valet for an older, well-established restaurant in Los Angeles.

Considering it’s in the middle of “old school” L.A., I knew he would have to have some interesting stories to impart, so I began to question him about his “out of the ordinary” experiences on the job.

I went through the expected inquiries regarding the most expensive car he ever parked and the strangest people he ever met, but the thing that interested me the most was when he started describing the weird things people keep in their cars.

Now as my previous posts will attest to, I have a few things in my car that are a little unusual.

But compared to some of these gems, I am on the serious side of normal.

At some point in time all of us have rolled up next to someone who has what I call a "trash mobile".  All types of assorted paper and garbage is smothering their dashboard, covering up the seats and spilling out of every possible car orifice.  Sometimes they have that archaic stuffed animal collection in the back window that looks like it’s been living there since Nixon was in office. 

Listen up people, these creep us out!  

Please don’t force me to stare at a 10 year old purple unicorn with a Barbie on its back through an 8 way light!

So my daughters' friend tells me that there is one fellow who owns a car that is literally full of trash. 

To the ceiling city.

I’m talking "high enough to protect you in a Indie 500 roll-over crash" full.  He said it’s like sitting in a transporter pod with fast food napkin padding when you climb into the drivers seat. 

Here is the deal.

I have a 1995 Ford Taurus that is not the best buggy on the planet.  But even I know that if I have to hand the keys over to a valet, I at least try to make sure all the candy wrappers and banana peels are picked up and stowed out of sight.

Not to mention any stray flossing sticks.

Obviously the trash guy has no qualms about his personal dump truck. He is a regular customer and every time he delivers his car into the hands of the valet the car looks exactly the same. 

The swill level never changes.

Does he have a core sampler for car crap where he measures the exact depth of the fast food fodder? 

And is there a specific number of empty Big Gulp cups that must remain in storage?  

And how is something finally designated as garbage?   

These are perplexing questions for which I have no answers.

But the freakiest car cargo story he told is about this man whose car floor was carpeted in human nail clippings!

(I am not making this up.)

We're talking Howard Hughes time! 

He said as he climbed into the drivers seat he noticed that the entire floor was covered in approximate 4 inches of this stuff that he couldn’t immediately identify. 

Upon closer inspection he was horrified to discover that they were fingernail and toenail shavings!

Okay Hannibal Lecter, you better be coughing up a mighty big tip for me to submerge myself in this DNA bath!

Now when he concluded this macabre tale the first thing that popped into my head was, so he only clips his toenails and fingernails in the car? 

Does he finish his daily bath ritual and then scoot out to his sedan to groom his callused feet? 

And where does he sit? Because sitting in the drivers seat and clipping with the steering wheel in your face would require the body dexterity of a circus acrobat.  

A difficult "feet" for sure.  (It's a play on words. Stay with me people!)

And if he has to clip off a stray hangnail at work, does he save it in a bag to deposit in his car later? 

Just what are the guidelines in his “Clipping Constitution?”

Who knew that the life of a valet could be filled with such infection potential!

I wonder if there is a valet version of ,“We Reserve the Right to Refuse Service to Anyone.”

It could be simple and to the point,

“You’re Dirty, You’re Nasty, and We Will Not Touch Your Car.”

Or "We Reserve the Right to Not Sit In Your Refuse!"

P.S.  Have a nice evening...........

At some other restaurant.

..........I'm just sayin'