C.W.Moss

Once I had an iguana.

His name was C.W Moss, which was a character from the 1967 movie “Bonnie and Clyde” played by Michael J. Pollard.

He looked just like the guy.

Couldn't find a picture of my reptilian pet anywhere so just imagine an iguana with this fellows mug.

I bought him from Woolworths which was a variety store that used to be referred to as a 5 and dime.

They carried tons of stuff from household items to clothing,  candy, fabric and other wacky unnecessary plastic objects.

My favorite section was the pets where they had rows of bubbling aquariums with colorful fish and tanks with lizards and tiny turtles the size of half dollars who would gladly give you salmonella.

They also had a counter where you could sit down and buy food or a malt or an ice cream sundae.

It was AWESOME!

Anyway, I meandered in there one day and saw these cool iguanas for the bargain price of $1.69. (Hey, it was 36 years ago, give me a break!)

They measured about 6 inches long and were funky, gnarly and green. 

So of course I decided to buy two. (I was in my reptile phase)

One of them died the next day.

But C.W. Moss did not.

He grew and grew and grew and grew.

He grew so big that I had to make him a cage that measured 5'x6’ which took up one whole side of my  living room.

Eventually because he was so huge, his daily diet consisted of 2 giant heads of romaine lettuce, a head of iceberg lettuce, big bunches of grapes and whatever produce I had left in the kitchen.

He was fantastic!

Because I am insane, I would let him out and he would climb up my curtains, drape his massive green body along the length of the curtain rod with his prehistoric claws dangling down on either side and just chill out.

As I said, he was fantastic.

Despite his formidable countenance, he was very mild mannered and if left alone would just cruise around the house all day doing his iguana-type chores.

As you can imagine, most people were put off by his earthy Jurassic Park appeal which made for very few houseguests.

Whatever.

But I recall one evening when I had invited a few folks over for dinner and one guy brought a date whom I had never met before.

She flounced in the door all full of herself and yammered endlessly about this and that and nothing all at the same time.

You’ve all met one of these people.

Their motto is: All of you people who think you know everything, annoy those of us who actually do.

She knew EVERYTHING about EVERYTHING!

We listened to her expound on the wonders of her amazing abilities at EVERYTHING until we were all ready to choke her out and bury her in the yard.

Then she spied C.W.

He was in his cage and she squealed with delight and said, “Oh my gosh, what an AAAAWWWWEEEESOME  iguana!”  “Can I hold him?”

Now as I mentioned before, Mr. Moss was a gentle soul when undisturbed, but when provoked could display a vicious temper not unlike the Tazmanian Devil.

Which is why I loved him.

He had these excellent cross body stripes running across his spikey, leathery back which in times of peace were light brown.

But when he was not a happy camper they deepened to dark black and that’s when you knew he was loaded for bear.

I forgot to mention that by this time he measured almost 6 feet long.

Me:  “I don’t think that would be a good idea.”

Miss Know-It-All:  “Oh please?” “ I’m soooo good with animals!” “They LOVE me!”

Me: “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

Miss Know-It-All:   “Oh, please?” “I’m not afraid of him or anything!” (meanwhile opening the lid of his cage and starting to reach for him)

Me: “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”(I have noticed that the stripes on his back are now solid black and is standing on his gnarly clawed feet at full attention)

Now at this point, most rational human beings would be taking note of my demeanor and considering that this was my large pet iguana, actually listen to my words of warning.

That was not gonna happen.

What transpired next was then, and still is, one of the funniest things I have ever witnessed in my life.

She quickly lifted the top off of the cage and poked her well-manicured hand down into the domain of the dinosaur.

At that exact instant, he leaped into action, scurried up the large sunning branch which ran the length of the cage, puffed himself up and promptly thwacked her across the throat with the full strength of his massive 4 foot tail!

She immediately grabbed her neck, stumbled backwards over the coffee table and crashed into a hysterical choking heap on the floor.

C.W. saw his window of opportunity and took it, scurrying up the drapes and smugly retreated to his favorite vantage point high above the living room.

If I could have given him a high five, I would have.

It was spectacular!

Immediately all Hell broke loose with people running to the aid of  “The Neck Slap Queen.” (I didn’t budge)

I think I blurted out an obligatory, “Bummer.”

What I really meant to say was, “You’re absolutely right, all animals DO love you!”

Best night ever.

Let’s just say, she ran screaming into the night and I never saw her again.

So eventually C.W. Moss completely outgrew his cage and I reluctantly donated him to an appreciative biology professor at a community college. 

He told me that he had never seen such a magnificent specimen who had been raised somewhere other than a zoo. 

He planned on buying a harness for him and letting him run around wild in his backyard.

I was happy about that.

Mr. C.W Moss deserved it.

If only for that well-timed, well-deserved neck slap to “Miss Know-It-All”.

……I’m just sayin’