I love my dentist....

I love my dentist.

Let me just make that clear from the get-go.

He is efficient, soft spoken and best of all doesn’t make me want to run screaming into the street with my little miniature dentist bib on the minute he enters the room.

This is a big deal.

This was not always the case.

He took over his practice from a man whom my mother adored and thought was the best thing since sliced bread. Where did this expression come from?  I mean sliced bread is newsworthy but not as good as let’s say penicillin or peanut butter cups.

I digress.

I am not sure how Mom got hooked up with the original dentist but to say this guy was incompetent was putting it mildly.

To start with, in the lobby of his office was a GIANT picture of a sinister looking droopy-eyed clown with a humongous tear rolling down his cheek.

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?

As you sat there waiting for the dreaded “calling of your name”, you always speculated, why is this clown crying?  Is it because he was unfortunate enough to have come to THIS dentist?  And everyone knows that clowns are creepy and who would display a picture of a one in their waiting room?

NOT TO MENTION A CLOWN THAT IS FOUR FEET TALL WHO IS WEEPING UNCONTROLLABLY!

Horrible Feng Shui decision!

This could also explain my unexplained urge to rinse and spit whenever I see an advertisement for a circus.

Anyway, this clown (pardon the pun), was in my opinion kinda lazy and most requests for tooth repair were met with, “Let’s just pull it out.”

Perfect….

Excellent solution!

Let’s just say I would relentlessly go to bat for my bicuspids and he would grudgingly agree to put in a filling.

Of course these were the bright silver fillings that are now believed to cause Mercury poisoning.

This explains so much.

Maybe that’s why the clown was crying?

In light of his tendency to cut corners he actually asked me once if I could forgo a shot of Novacaine “because my cavity wasn’t that big and it wouldn’t take that long to drill it out.”

WHAT? WHAT??????

If you even plan on CLEANING the drill while I am in the building I will require Novacaine, Mr. Nose Hair!

Any dentist worth his weight in mouth gauze knows that the first rule in The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Dentistry is:

People are scared of you, don’t hurt them.

This guy never got that memo.

He would stride into your room waving his samurai length needle and plunge it unceremoniously into your unlidocaine havin’ gum with all the expertise of a Rhesus monkey……

I forgot to mention that apparently the use of a face mask was against his religion.

And Tic Tacs too for that matter.

So ultimately he decided to retire, or was threatened by a Mercury demented client and was thankfully replaced by my current spectacular dentist!

This of course has its drawbacks also as getting an appointment with him is like vying for an audience with the Pope.

So worth it….

Plus he gives me a toy from a treasure chest if I am a good girl…….

AND that Stephen King clown is nowhere in sight….

……..I’m just sayin’