Next time drive your tricycle.....

So I stopped by the Target yesterday afternoon to pick up some pooch chow and a few other goodies and because of the Valentine’s Day madness decided to park on the outskirts of the parking lot and save myself some aggravation.

I’m sitting quietly in my car perusing my shopping list, when out of the corner of my eye I see a movement, and hear, screaming. 

As I look to my right I observe a 50-something man who is making the universal gesture of insanity, (the infamous circle near the temple move) and ranting like a madman. 

The piece of the conversation I was able to overhear went like this.

“The whole blankety-blank parking lot to park in and you park NEXT TO ME!!!!!!” 

Blah blah blah  etc, etc, etc.

Whatever….

For the record, this burly maniac was driving a brand new, shiny black, 2 seater Corvette convertible.

Apparently, the idea I could even occupy a parking space NEXT to him in my junk-yard beat-up Ford Taurus was out of the question. 

Even though I have been driving for over 40 years, he could surmise by the look in my eye that my only goal in life was to hunt down cars that were nicer than mine, (which is everybodys’) and commit bodily injury via my rusty crooked door handles.

I watched as he jumped in his "chick mobile" and zoomed to the nether regions of the parking lot where he bounded out the door, still in full rant and stormed his way into the store.  All the while keeping me in his sights lest I make another move towards his “Black Pearl” in my car of destruction.

This amused me.

I immediately saw myself starting the car, cruising to the front of the aisle, making sure I got his full attention, and then promptly pulling up and parking next to his car, AGAIN!

I’m sure this bold move would have sent him into a hysterical fit of apoplexy which would have inevitably resulted in him pulling out his taser (which I’m sure he owns just for this very circumstance) and plugging me with it.

It would have been soooo worth it!

As it was I was in a hurry and he disappeared too quickly.

Spritely old fart….

He was probably going inside to purchase a last minute gift for his long suffering wife or girlfriend.

I could have told him to save his money.

She knows he’s a toolbag and no amount of chocolates can change that.

If I had an extra piece of paper and a crayon, I would have penned him a lovely prose that would have gone something like this.

Dear grouchy man in the Target parking lot,

Despite your strong conviction that I deliberately pulled into the parking space right next to your brand new, jet black, “middle age crisis” Corvette convertible, JUST so that I could damage its shiny finish is absurd.

I can assure you this was not the case.

Please understand, if I had known what a fanatical tizzy this parking choice would cause in your demented and obviously maladjusted brain, I would have made sure to park REALLY CLOSE to your car and then repeatedly slam the door of my 1995 dinged-up, dust covered Taurus  into the passenger side door of your precious gem.

As it is, I just want to hip you to a few facts you may be unaware of.

#1. You are not the only human being on the planet and the world does not revolve around you.

#2. Eventually SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, will park next to you.

#3. If other cars frighten you, next time you should drive your tricycle.

P.S.  Happy Valentines Day

……..I’m just sayin’