It's Valentine's Day.....Already?

Valentine’s Day!

These two words can send shivers up the spine of almost everyone you meet.

And not in a good way,

Here we all are fresh from the non-stop eat-a-thon that started with the sugar circus of Halloween and ending with the last hurrah of a New Years Eve dip fest, and one month later this nonsense is plopped in our flabby laps.

The dreaded February 14^th

All of us fluffy folks have purchased our treadmills, bought our new matchy workout clothes and joined whatever weight watching program that will allow us to still eat Snickers everyday and  what are we supposed to do about this holiday?

Even before those giant blow-up lawn Santas were marked down to 90% off at Target, they were already carting caseloads of giant cardboard hearts filled with the disgusting cream filled chocolates that nobody eats to remind us that we better get ready for Valentines Day. 

After all, it was only 6 weeks away!!!!!

As a child in grade school, I recall the ritual of the Valentines Day card “hand-out”, or as I like to call it, “the first memory that will be mentioned in future psychotherapy sessions as a lesson in abject humiliation”.

You waited with baited breath for your 9 year old “crush” to place his Valentine, which was a chimpanzee beating his hairy chest with the inscription, ”I’m going ape for you, Valentine!” into your construction paper, doily embellished  envelope.   Sadly he deposited this incredibly poetic gem into the envelope of the little girl who sat next to you who had straight hair, even straighter teeth and did not wear glasses that were as thick as a Coke bottle. 

This of course was crushing to your pre-pubescent ego and lead to your unexplained adult aversion to visiting the "Ape Encounter" at the San Diego Zoo.

I seriously feel sorry for men with the Valentine dilemma.  If they are casually dating someone they are faced with the question of, “If I buy her something does she think I want to get serious?” And then there is the, “If I don’t buy her something, does she think I’m just a cheapskate and hate me anyway?” 

And unless you’re serious about someone, don’t even consider jewelry!

Especially a ring. 

You could purchase a Ring Pop as a joke and within 5 minutes of tearing off the wrapper. she would be calling all her girlies and picking out a wedding dress.

“Girl, he bought me a RING!”

As far as married men go.

Forget it guys, you are doomed.  

Don’t even THINK of buying her anything practical.  Any household appliance, (Do I look like I want to make home made bread?), floor mopping device, (What am I, a janitor?),  linens (Are you sayin’ our old towels are nasty?), or car maintenance stuff, (That’s what Jiffy Lube is for, fool!).

Don’t waste any time, just go directly to the phone book and find yourself a good divorce attorney. 

This is why we find men on their way home from work, wandering slack jawed through the 7/11, picking up the one raggedy Valentines card left on the shelf and finally checking out with 2 Slim Jims and a quart of Rocky Road ice cream. 

He figures he may as well get what he wants cuz he is in trouble either way. 

There are just too many mental gymnastic hoops to jump through.

 It makes them tired just thinking about it.

Bottom line is, the people who will be the happiest the day after Valentines Day will be the florists and the card companies.

So fellas, remember.

We really are simple creatures and love to be pleasantly surprised on any given day with a single red rose that didn’t cost $14.

And ladies, if he stumbles in the door tonight with 2 Slim Jims and a quart of Rocky Road, just be grateful he didn’t eat it all before he got home.

After all, it’s Valentines Day and you know you’re not cooking any dinner!

………I’m just sayin’