I'm shaving my head.....

Hair Week part trios (that’s French for three)….

Hey, this is an educational  blog yo’!

I’m thinking of shaving my head…..Seriously……Or as my kids say, “For reals.”

I absolutely would shave my head if I could peer under my hairy dome and see what kind of head that I have.

If I had a Demi Moore or Natalie Portman, sexy, gleaming, “you look good as a Navy Seal”, kind of head I would totally do it.

Just my luck it would be all gnarly and knobby with scars and zits and a weird mole shaped like Africa….

Just picture a Caucasian Shrek.

As a young girlie I never thought much about hair maintenance. 

Being a nerd in the making I just left it up to my dear mother to defile my head in the method of her choosing.

There was time honored ritual of hacking off your bangs to approximately ½” long the day of your school picture. (how and why this practice began, I will never know)

Being a good mother and absorbing all of my mothers’ knowledge, on one occasion being light of scissor ownership,  I used a pair of dog clippers on my daughter to perpetuate this practice and accidentally shaved off one of her eyebrows!  Oops!

I didn’t tell her and because of her incredibly blond hair and the fact that she was too young to really notice, I sent her off to school and never alerted her to the faux paus.

She did wonder why the teachers kept asking her all day if she had a question.

It must have been because of her perpetually puzzled expression……

Then there was the practice of wrapping your hair in “rag curls” before going to bed at night.

This involved tearing tiny strips off of a sheet, or pillow case or your Dads favorite funky tee shirt and wrapping your hair around each strip and then tying them into a knot.   When you were finished with this process your head was covered with thousands of white cloth knots.  In the morning, this produced a head full of luscious curls with the supposed convenience of being able to sleep soundly…..NOT! 

The result was usually a helter skelter mop of nonsense that resembled a bad Phyllis Diller wig. 

Plus sleeping on these babies was like sleeping on a pillow case full of malt balls….

(Oooooo….malt balls, yum.)

So the hair I dealt with as a teenager was a cross between curly, nappy and just plain unruly.

Since it was the 70’s, I spent most of my waking hours trying to make it straight……

Impossible.

There was the ever popular “wrapping it in orange juice cans."

(try sleeping on those!)

“Wrapping” your long hair around your head and basically using your gourd as a giant hair roller, using approximately 1000 bobby pins to hold it in place while you slept.  (picture the cone heads)

Ironing it…..on an IRONING BOARD…..with an actual IRON!.....(not kidding)

You had to be careful with this one.  If you got too close you could nick your cheek or forehead and brand yourself.

This explains the vast number of teenage girls from the 70’s who resembled Cherokee warriors complete with battle markings.

So as an adult, I struggle daily with the hair dilemma. 

Does it need washing?

Does it need a new conditioner?

Does it need another kind of gel?  (Geez, I’m already using the one they swab the sides of space shuttles with to prevent spontaneous combustion during re-entry)

Does it need to be re-dyed?  (This one is easy) When I look like I am wearing a Yamaka its time to pull out the Loreal.

The only time it seems to look good is when I have just stepped out the door, fresh from the chair of my amazing hairdresser of over 35 years. (Thanks Pam!)

She is the only one that has ever been able to tame my unruly locks! 

With all the tools and whirlwind action that this process entails, its like watching a master chef at Benihana.   “HAND ME THAT HAIR DRYER, STAT!”

Of course the minute I step outside or the slightest bit of moisture touches my fussy follicles its,

“Hey, you look familiar!" "Are you Don King?”

Sigh……..I’m shaving my head……”For reals!”

……….I’m just sayin”……